Breaking-Up According to Theology
From time to time I hear about people who have been dumped in the name of God. Interestingly, the terribly awkward and heartbreaking ordeal that is applied by virtue of theological principles actually reveals quite a bit about what a person believes. After doing some research and consulting I have come up with some interesting categories taking on the form of what might have been said which may help you figure out what your former love interest believed.
Atheist: The burden of proof is on you to establish the existence of this so-called “god” but I believe that if there was any such divine entity “it” would not want us to continue dating.
Intelligent Design Theorist: Our relationship bears the marks of irreducible complexity making it too difficult to explain by way of natural causes. Therefore, there the most reasonable conclusion is that we were designed to break up since things have gotten so complicated.
Calvinist: We were predestined before the creation of the world to break up according to God’s good pleasure. I am, on my own power, unable to break up with you apart from the irresistible draw of God’s sovereign grace which leads me to end this relationship. Those that truly break up will not get back together in the end.
Arminian: While you love me and have a wonderful plan for my life, I have the power to resist your will. If I did not, love would not be possible. For our relationship to be loving it needs to include the possibility of breaking up—something I am doing right now.
New Perspective on Paul Scholar: Rather than earning God’s blessing, it is established on the basis of our covenant courtship (I asked your dad to date you didn’t I?) which requires the proper response of an intentional and deliberate pursuit of marriage. Yet there is no such pursuit, therefore God’s blessing on or relationship is no longer maintained.
Open Theist: I am not really sure if we are supposed to be together, because neither is God.
Theistic Evolutionist: The beauty and rhythm of random variation and natural selection over long periods of time has presented us with a world where God has shown us that our relationship is too biologically expensive to maintain and is destined for extinction.
Young Earth Creationist: No, I do not believe we have been going out for that long. Our relationship is only six days old and the on the seventh God rested. I think we need a rest too.
Emergent: The question if whether we are in relationship or not is mired in Modernity’s obsession with propositional truth. A better a way to look at this is to enter into God’s story about how he lead us togethter and is now leading us apart.
Catholic: Honey, I think the Virgin Mary is leading us in different directions. I think it is her will that we break up.
Any others I might of missed?
January 11th, 2007 at 11:05 am
Beautiful!
January 11th, 2007 at 11:57 am
Christian girls don’t put out, there I must find someone that will.
January 11th, 2007 at 1:22 pm
Oh Mike, you are such a heathen.
January 11th, 2007 at 5:42 pm
Postmordernist:
It’s ok for you to like me, and I would love to enter into a dialogue deconstructing the word “like” but I just don’t think it’s worth it.. on second thoughts, is this life even worth anything? Why am I even here? Why am I even trying to validate my meaningless existence?
January 11th, 2007 at 6:20 pm
Lutheran: I want our relationship to continue, but first there are a few things about you that God wants to change. Here is a list of 95 that I made. What? OK, then, I guess we’re done.
January 12th, 2007 at 12:26 am
Episcopalian:
Ummm… I’m gay.
January 12th, 2007 at 9:49 am
Pat’s is my favorite!
January 12th, 2007 at 12:25 pm
Fundamentalist: You have tarnished the pure nature of our love by incorporating such heathen elements as “dating” and “fun.” I am afraid I can no longer court you–yea, even speak to you–until you repent of this apostasy.
January 12th, 2007 at 12:55 pm
Japanese Agnostic: “Everyone else is breaking up.”
Perhaps only funny if you’re a Westerner living in Japan.
January 13th, 2007 at 3:16 am
Haha, I like Kevins, in Australia it would be “Uniting Church”
January 16th, 2007 at 4:05 pm
Pentacostal: I go where the Holy Spirit leads, and I currently sense he is leading me away from this relationship. You see, while I was speaking in tongues, someone interpreted what I was saying, and I apparantly broke up with you three weeks ago.
January 20th, 2007 at 8:21 pm
wow…this is the funniest thing i’ve ever read!
January 22nd, 2007 at 3:27 pm
This is a great post - thanks for the laugh!
January 23rd, 2007 at 5:24 pm
Mennonite: At that holiest barn raising two weeks prior to this conversational exchange, I realized as I drove you home at sunset in my best carriage, that there are other falsettos in the choir; some that art willing, with all fervent spirit, to trimest my beard and eyebrows on occasion, and would, though it hurts me to spake this, make a more holy match.
January 23rd, 2007 at 5:25 pm
Unitarian Universalist: It’s ok if we see other people as we are dating each other. We should accept all possibilities for our happiness. I wouldn’t call it “swinging”; I’d call it “tolerance.”
January 23rd, 2007 at 5:28 pm
Israelite: The thing is, I have got like six other wives to feed right now. This isn’t working out. Sorry. Shalom.
January 25th, 2007 at 6:40 am
Hedonist: It’s not you - it’s me.
January 29th, 2007 at 1:08 pm
Reader of Passion & Purity: I have realized that the only right way to get married is through a series of confusing break ups. Let this be our first.
February 21st, 2007 at 10:19 pm
[…] God Told Me To. I recently came across a great blog post: Breaking Up According to Theology. Be sure to read the comments, too. They’re hilarious. “From time to […]
March 23rd, 2007 at 2:28 am
nice photo
May 16th, 2007 at 10:51 am
the Catholic one is all wrong, I’ve never met anyone who broke up because of Mary—the real line is “I just think I need some time to discern a celibate vocation right now.”
May 17th, 2007 at 11:56 am
SO I guess you have this “paradigm” about “the friend zone” that I’m supposed to be looking for (pointed out by a mutual acquaintance). But I can’t find it. … hrm.
September 13th, 2007 at 2:37 pm
Benny Hinn adherent: You fell for me, and I was such a pushover. But now I’ve “fallen out” of love, and there’s nobody to catch me.
September 13th, 2007 at 4:25 pm
Sorry, I had to do another.
Saddleback-PDL: “My life has a purpose, and so does yours. Mine is to make someone else happy. You can discover your purpose too, only please do it elsewhere.”